Loving Yourself — Step 1

This is the beginning of a 12-step program I’m writing about loving yourself. I am writing it for myself, but it may be of help to you as well.

Step 1 — We admit we are powerless over what others think of us.

I don’t know about you, but I like to try to make things better. When I see something inefficient or broken, I want to make it work better! I do not know where this came from in my life. I have always been a kind of efficiency expert when looking at systems or infrastructures, or systemic problems. Do you know that I am also this way with people?

When I get feedback from someone that a relationship, friendship, or interaction isn’t going well, I want to jump in with both feet and make it better. The most extreme version of this happens when I find out the relationship that is not going so well is with me!

My first thought when I receive information that someone doesn’t like what I am doing or who I am being been that I can fix it. I can change. No problem. This is something that I can do, and that person will like me again!

So, I change the way I speak. No go.

The other person still thinks I am stuck up and opinionated.

So, I drop some of my larger words and forgo nine out of ten of my own opinions. I am quieter.

Then the other person thinks that I am moody.

Then I decided to smile all the time.

The other now thinks I am “Creepy.”

How about this scenario?

Twelve years ago, I was asked, during a dinner party with very conservative friends, what I felt about the whole same-sex marriage in the Lutheran Church. I want to say all those things about justice and that I cannot be in a position to judge others without limiting myself. I start to say these things, and suddenly, two people start quoting Bible verses and challenging my beliefs. I do not want to be disliked, and I take a slightly more conservative continuation of my beliefs. So now, not only do I not feel accepted by these people, but I feel bad because I do not stick to my guns on my own beliefs.

I AM TRAPPED INTO BELIEVING I CAN CHANGE HOW OTHERS THINK OF ME!

Whenever I believe these things and act on them, I am always disappointed that I cannot change others’ opinions, and in trying to do so, I cannot please myself.

This is one of the most important parts of loving yourself.

Stop believing you are only worthy of loving yourself if others love you!

This is a destructive cycle. It feeds into the myth that you need to feel loved and appreciated, heck even liked by all others, to feel that you are someone who deserves to be loved and to love. STOP IT!

What happens is that you cannot (I cannot) please everyone. When someone is not pleased, I feel like I have failed, and therefore I feel like I am a failure. This is not self-love!

If you are in a relationship and it fails, it is easy to think that you are just not worthy of being loved. It was your fault. You were not strong enough, wise enough, loved the other enough. KNOCK IT OFF!!!!

Do you know that no one can generate your feelings of love for them unless you agree to it? What this means is that you are the source of all of your feelings for another. You decide, when the relationship or friendship goes well, that you deserve to feel happy and loved. SO THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL! If things are not going well, you feel you should be sad, despondent, angry, and not loved. SO THAT IS WHAT YOU FEEL! You are the source of everything you feel. You are the reason that you feel loved or not.

Now, I do not want to diminish the importance of other people and their feedback and impact on our lives. Not at all. We only see ourselves in relation to other people. We define what and who we are by seeing who and what others are. However, and I cannot stress this enough, you choose how you see yourself. Others do not choose for you! You choose to love yourself and to what degree. It is always your choice. You may be influenced by others and their opinion of you, but it is always your choice.